Confession and 4 month photo preview

Confession time… I haven’t been feeling quite myself this past month. Things were getting pretty difficult for me emotionally until we finally figured out the right dose and medication for Lynley’s reflux. And her and Corbin still wanting to nurse every three hours was really wearing on me.

I don’t know how many times I cried (ugly cried) and just wanted to give up on breastfeeding. It’s too demanding, I would tell myself. I can’t do it. Lynley is allergic to milk, you can’t eat what you want. She isn’t gaining enough weight. I’m a slave to the pump at night and can’t get any sleep. This sucks. But then, Derrick would reassure me that I could do it, and he stayed home from work a few times to just help me through it. I’d be re-energized, and I would keep going, only to feel the same way a few days later. It was becoming a vicious cycle. I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t let myself. I know I need to do what is best for me too, but somehow I convinced myself I was being selfish. They need you, I’d think.

After several discussions with Derrick and my mom, we finally came to a solution that has been working out well for the past couple of weeks. I nurse them 2 to 3 feedings in the early morning and then do half formula/half breastmilk bottles throughout the day. This allows me to push the pumping to every 5 or 6 hours, and I am able to sleep a little longer at night when Derrick takes his shift. I can tell that Lynley is gaining weight, and both babies are starting to go longer without food and sleeping better with the addition of the formula. In fact, I’m sure the formula is why our routine is working out so well because it keeps them fuller longer. I’m ok with this. I have realized that breast milk is great, but formula is too. There is nothing wrong with them having it, and they need a happy mommy more than they need exclusive nursing.

I still am not able to have milk in my diet, but I have starting drinking almond milk in my cereal, and it’s good enough for now. I plan on really weaning them when we introduce solids, so for two more months I can hang with the almond milk. This allows me to get a stock of milk to freeze for Lynley for when I do stop pumping. I can’t give her any of the milk I had previously stocked, so I’ll use that for Corbin when the time comes.

We gave both Corbin and Lynley straight formula at bedtime last night, and little miss thang slept for 7 hours! This is definitely a win. Corbin had a tummy ache, so we aren’t sure how long he would’ve slept. We’re testing it out again tonight.

So, I give myself a silver star for breast feeding. I tried my best, and I’ve never been a first place finisher. I’ve always come in second… in academic competitions in grade school, I won several second place ribbons; in high school I missed graduating in the top 10 percent by only a few people; in college I needed a 3.5 to graduate with honors, I had a 3.48.

I don’t consider any of those things failures, but I set such high expectations for myself that I cannot possibly meet them every time. As a mother, I am destined to make mistakes. I am learning to relax and not be so hard on myself. I have happy, healthy, thriving babies. That is all that is important!

Don’t you agree these babies look happy?

4 month picture preview! Photos courtesy of Nanner and her new camera!



  1. says

    Girl I could have written this post a million times and I’m sure you feel worse than I have seeing how you have 2 babies! I’ve had to give Piper formula along with breastmilk since the beginning and while I appreciate the freedom it gives me I still carry guilt that I can’t provide her with solely breaskmilk:( But I always tell other people “formula isn’t poision!” I need to listen to my own advice:)

    You have done a great job as a mommmy to Lynley and Corbin! You have to take care of yourself and feel your best in order to be a good mom. Cut yourself some slack:)

  2. says

    Awe they are such cuties…..I am glad you are giving them formula it will help miss thang bulk up. Don’t feel bad about the breastfeeding…..whatever is best for the babies to be happy and on a normal path will be best for Mommy to be happy!!!!! :-)

  3. says

    The babies deserve a sane mommy. If giving formula helps them have one, then, it is more than A-OK to give. There are fanatics that will try to shame you into exclusively nursing but they do not live your life. You are doing your very best to nourish and nurture and that is what counts!

  4. says

    Little mommy …. Corbin and Lynley will be just fine with whatever you do for them. They are our strong, little rock stars. Their smiles and cooing are proof you have made great decisions for their well-being. It is only the beginning of the guilt tug-of-war. Just remember, sometimes hard decisions have to be made. It doesn’t prove you are a selfish parent, it proves you are a smart, caring parent. If you truly believe in your decision and feel it is for the best interest of your children, then that alone makes it the right decision. Parenting is hard everyday, but, wow, the blessing of children makes it sooo worth it.
    I believe in you and Derrick. You are amazing parents. Your children (a.k.a. MY grand babies) are beautiful, happy children. All is good.
    I love you four dearly. :)
    (And miss y’all like crazy)
    Love, Mommy a.k.a. Nanner

  5. says

    Thank you Susan. Thank you Mom.

    I think I would have had an easier time coming to this decision, if I had another factor hindering me, like low supply or pain, etc. I have never been uncomfortable during nursing sessions and have an oversupply, so the decision to back off was solely mine. I know that is such a blessing and many moms who have those issues would gladly which positions with me. So I am learning to be thankful for how far I’ve come. My initial goal was to make it to 6 months, and I will still get there. Just not the way I had imagined, but that’s ok! And this way, we will go beyond 6 months with the stock pile I’ve created, so it’s actually better. :)