I’ve been struggling with mother’s guilt lately, as I realize that I need a break and actually want one. And then I feel bad for wanting a break from my adorable little cuddle monsters!

Recently, I cashed in a portion of my spa gift certificate that I received from Derrick for my birthday in February. I couldn’t do everything in one day, (well I could, but didn’t want to because the idea of 7 hours at a spa gives me anxiety and the point is to relax!) so I decided to have the facial and manicure/pedicure. I’ll schedule the massage later. While I was on my way to the spa, I felt bad for leaving Corbin and Lynley. They were awake and smiling that morning and kissing them bye felt strange and uncomfortable.

It’s like I don’t know what to do with myself anymore when they’re not around. I long for their heads on my shoulder and arms around my neck. When I’m gone, I’m rushing to get back. I tried my best to relax and enjoy myself. I kept reminding myself that I needed to not think about home for just a few hours. That was all. It’s not like I was leaving them for a week. Besides, you better take advantage of this alone time because Derrick is heading off for a golf trip with friends soon for an entire weekend, I told myself. (And he totally deserves a weekend getaway because he’s amazing! see this post: Thankful Thursday)

I made it through the day, and I did feel better. I felt refreshed and a little more confident about myself. Before having kids, I always said I wouldn’t be that mom who never left the house or wore yoga pants and a ponytail all the time. I’d do my makeup and be put together because how hard can it be to get dressed everyday, really? It’s hard! I am that mom I said I wouldn’t be. I sometimes don’t even brush my teeth or shower until 2pm! Ewww, I know. But our day is so full of playing, smiles and laughter. I feel guilty for leaving them alone in the living room looking around at the ceiling while I go and get ready. I’m sure they’d much rather me not have dragon breath in their faces and smell like flowers instead of their barf, but it just hasn’t been a priority.

It’s something I’m working on because I want to feel good about myself again. It doesn’t matter if no one sees me. I see me, and Derrick sees me. He always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, but it’s easier to accept that compliment when I feel it to. I can take 20 minutes when they’re napping to throw on jeans or maybe even a dress and little mascara instead of watching one of my shows or checking my email! It’s more important.

This is what I look like 24/7.

This is what I want to look like more. Maybe not 24/7, but more often than once in awhile!